Just before the conference’s final session, I dashed into a bathroom to pee.
The Death of One Dream Sparks Life In Another: A Mother’s Heartbreak I was also ten weeks’ pregnant, my heart as full of hope as my body was with life. I stepped into that writers’ conference in the summer of 2012 with three ideas for a novel, hoping to find a way into one of them, to learn how to channel my thoughts into something real on the page. Taking that dream down from the shelf and blowing off the dust, I began attending writing workshops in Seattle, and then experienced the joy of having stories accepted for publication. Yet as I crested forty-one, I became less afraid of failure and more worried that my chances to begin again were shrinking. Fear kept me from taking it down and trying it out, because if I failed, what dreams would be left to me? It was safer to pretend I still had the option. Writing had always been a distant fantasy, one I stored high on a shelf. I was inspired, motivated and overwhelmed. I came away from each session with concrete ideas to put into practice. I entered trembling, wondering if there was a secret handshake, if I was too young or too old, if it was written all over my face that I did not have the all-important work-in-progress.įamous Writers wandered about, a Poet Laureate or two Literary Agents took 5-minute pitch appointments aspiring and published authors clutched notebooks and tablet computers-their dreams penned on college-ruled pages or stored on a flash drive.įor the next three days, I learned how to seduce with a sentence and pack premise into a novel I scribbled pages of notes on story-boarding techniques I held my breath as a panel held court on Breathing Life into Characters. My First Writer’s Conference: I Was Overwhelmed!
Yet it took me a long time-decades, really-to figure out what I needed to do for the health of my soul. Salty anything, fresh bread, chocolate, and good wine are pleasures I can overindulge in, but self-forgiveness is another healthy practice I’m learning. Yoga, swimming, hiking, biking and a diet rich in fruits and vegetables, lean protein, and high-quality fats make up my daily mood management. I long ago learned that physical activity and a carefully tuned diet are among my best resources for shoring up my emotional and mental defenses. I’ve shared my personal space with anxiety and depression my entire life, and any attempts to mitigate or improve with medication has run the spectrum from ineffective to disastrous. My mental and physical health are inextricably linked.
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